Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
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Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.