*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
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Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.