*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

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Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered


Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.


I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever


Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”


Greatest Fears:
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks


Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.