[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
You Might Also Like
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
This meeting could have been a cake
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.