[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
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can’t catch a break
Ghost costume 😂
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.