[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
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In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Love is in the air fryer.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.