*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime