Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
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Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Son: you’re also very pale
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.
(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha