Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
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Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?