Jesus Christ lmao
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[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
black phone good
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.