Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
ok like just. call me at this point
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
mathematically impossible
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.