[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
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Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”