Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
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Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!