[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
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*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.