Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
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I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The USS B port
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’