Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
You Might Also Like
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
#Caturday
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
President The Rock Obama
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail