JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
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judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Important
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
You learn something every day
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
thinking about a very short hotdog
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want