JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days. - @dave_cactus

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets