Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
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Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?