Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
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Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
If only
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that