Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
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At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti