Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.