Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
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Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
How do you like your Corgi?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair