Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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My work here is done
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.