Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
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[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
One of the best
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.