Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
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[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs