Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
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Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
Me: *Turns router back on*
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.