Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
You Might Also Like
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
translated into Canadian
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
WHO DID THIS?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Shark week, but for squirrels.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.