Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
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OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
You know…for fall…
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My life in a nutshell
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.