Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
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Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*