Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
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*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Teller: you suck at art
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
Me: Pull my finger.
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
* flirting with disaster
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.