Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
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I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris