Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
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The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Tony Hawk, age 6
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.