Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up