Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
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My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.