Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
You Might Also Like
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
FINE, I WON’T.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
“I’m helping” 😅
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.