[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
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parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Hank is one in a melon.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Ferrari squats
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I pray every night that I never become religious…