Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
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Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh