Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
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SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Cake!!
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.