@adamthislife

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

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@longwall26

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

@generaldietz

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

@weedguy420boner

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

@Dustinkcouch

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

@graceupongracie

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

@_correctomundo

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

@WalkingAnxiety

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

@ElisaStoneLeahy

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.