Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
You Might Also Like
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.