@longwall26 Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
@adamthislife Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
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@longwall26 
@FunnyViness I think this cat is broken
@generaldietz [Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
@weedguy420boner one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
@Dustinkcouch When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
@graceupongracie [Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
@_correctomundo Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
@WalkingAnxiety Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
@ElisaStoneLeahy Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
@Willie1derful If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.