[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
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*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on