@PaperWash

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

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@infamousone96

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

@meganamram

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

@Book_Krazy

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

@JMScomedy

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

@pplwtching

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

@Contwixt

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.