Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
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Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Name this drama.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.