@IvoryGazelle

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

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@Sophie2078

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

@BuckyIsotope

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

@TheToddWilliams

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

@andlikelaura

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

@arb

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

@pittdave13

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

@chuuew

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

@DurtMcHurtt

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.