Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
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Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Important reminders
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*