jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
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My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Oh deer
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Merica.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*