*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
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Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK