Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
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Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.