Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
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If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW