*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
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Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.