JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Worst bar ever.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
necessity is the mother of invention
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE