“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
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You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise