Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
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My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My support group can outdrink your support group.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
These dogs look like they have good credit.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.