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Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
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One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
How dramatic are you?
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A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.