Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

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Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart


[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”


i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip


We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.


Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.


vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?


Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX


How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em