Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
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the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
everyone’s a critic
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house