Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
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I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’