Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
i did the math
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Always 🥴
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life