Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
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Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
No way!
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
you gotta be faster
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!