*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
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Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —