@PaperWash

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

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@TheAlexNevil

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

@subtweetopath

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

@david8hughes

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

@chrisdowning

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

@shutupmikeginn

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

@jarry

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

@edgarrants

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

@DrunjAF

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages