It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
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If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
How do you milk an almond?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
bout dat hot dog summer
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages