JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
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If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.